My sweet little girl TK had a playdate today with a new friend. Mostly, they built gingerbread houses and giggled, ate dinner together and giggled, and danced across the living room -- and giggled. They're six --innocent, wide-eyed, amazed by the world. The two of them are quite a contrast: TK's coffee-brown and K__'s creamy white, TK's got tight black curls and K___'s got white-blonde locks. But their age makes them more similar than different. At dinner, they both wanted to talk about crushes.
Crushes? At six, shouldn't they still be friends with everyone, chasing everyone around the playground, regardless of gender? Evidently not.
"Who do you like?" asks my daughter conspiratorially.
"I like Alex. Who do you like?" K___ giggles.
I attempt to offer the adult voice of reason. "Do you think first grade's the right age for crushes?" I wonder aloud. Both girls shake their heads. Definitely not. "Not 'til you're in 8th grade," K____ declares, using her older sister as a gauge. But then she and TK return to their discussion of all the cute boys in 1st grade, matching them up with their friends, wondering aloud if they'll get to sit next to Alex or Hunter tomorrow.
Do we shape this culture, or does it shape us? As a lesbian mother, I should casually ask, "Don't you think any of the girls are cute?" but I stay silent and eat my chili, thinking about a world that still insists princesses end up with princes, that most people get married, that girls who finish their chili should spin and twirl as ballerinas until it's time to eat candy canes.
It makes me think of a phone call I had with a friend yesterday. She and her husband are struggling because their 3-year-old son wants to play with "girl" toys. While I can blithely tell her to let him be himself, to support what draws him, I understand her concern. This isn't an easy world -- not for boys who want to wear dresses, not for girls who think the girls in class are cute, not for anyone outside the Disney version.
What can we do? I changed the topic at dinner tonight, and TK and K____ were just as happy to talk about what it would be like to live in gingerbread houses as they were to talk about crushes on boys. Another day, I'll push them to think more openly about relationship and gender. For today, I'll hand them candy canes and play hide-and-seek, a game with clear rules, a game that includes everyone.
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